And Freedom came

SO, I had completed the searching and fearless moral inventory…which was long and had been an emotional journey, now I needed to read it out to my sponsor. When I was in treatment, I had spent weeks writing a life story which I read out to one of the counsellors; she promptly shredded it. All my hours of honest soul-searching and hard work disappeared, deleted, erased in a nano second; I had been peeved! 

Now, my experience was reading a long list, whilst my sponsor patiently listened - and occasionally identified and shared similar resentments, behaviours and harms with me. It took several hours. I was exhausted when it had been completed and, as it says in the Big Book, I returned home to the quiet solace of my home, heart and mind, to reflect on the first five Steps, rechecking my actions to date to ensure I had been rigorously honest and thorough in order to lay a firm foundation for the rest of the Programme. I felt emotionally spent, a little downhearted and my mind began questioning what it had all been for… to feel so rubbish!

I went to bed and slept well. A couple more days passed, of feeling flat and a little defeated, but I continued with my daily disciplines and, as my sponsor suggested, was gentle with Michelle - not taking on too much each day. Then day four, post my Step Five, and the freedom came…I had ceased fighting anything or anyone and felt as though the heavy load, which I had carried with me for years, had been taken from me, had been completely removed. I felt lighter than I had ever felt before, with resentments gone and a feeling of peace I never knew existed. For me, my faith in the Programme of AA was secured and I wanted more and more of what this process had so freely given.

I rang my sponsor and exclaimed, “I feel great… and I haven’t taken anything!” She laughed and said, “Enjoy, as this too shall pass.” The longer I have been in recovery, the longer the periods of this peace and today this can last several days, even a week, at a time. As I have heard said by many in AA and I too pass on to others, “Don’t leave before the miracle happens.” If you are honest, open-minded and willing, the miracle WILL happen.

MICHELLE, Plymouth