Be careful what you ask for

MY name’s Bill and I’m an alcoholic. My home group is Hanham Hall. My sobriety date is October 6th 1997. There are sayings in recovery that ask for hope. There are sayings that look for hope. There are sayings that inspire, help and drive people towards a spiritual awakening, instead of towards a drink. Many I use almost daily. Some I use occasionally. All are part of a Programme that’s helped me stay sober for another day. And that’s about as good as sobriety gets - to stay sober over a 24-hour period. ‘Be careful what you ask for’ is one such little saying, that crops up in meetings occasionally. But it’s what we don’t ask for, that’s often what I’ve had to work hardest to accept. What I don’t expect, what I don’t envisage. Life is always filled with the expected.  But it’s in the unexpected, that’s there’s a journey in itself. In my sobriety, there were a few things that were givens. Firstly, my sobriety was what I wanted the most. Hopefully a given. Then rebuilding- my family, my home life and my business - came after. These were the givens of a sober life. Part of the reason for sobering up, for sorting my life out. We try to embrace a spiritual journey, and rebuilding and choices are all part of my road to recovery. And I’ve achieved all three - not completely but I’m getting there. In sobriety it’s been the unexpected or the unexplainable that have often brought the most joy or the most difficult days. It’s often in these, in the unchartered days, that growth happens.  New doors open, some close and I learn to accept both the acceptable and the unacceptable. No two days in recovery follow a set path. No two days in recovery can be planned. 

Step Three asks me to accept that being in charge didn’t work in the past and so I must set my enquiring mind into ‘let go and let God’ mode. When people - maybe a sponsor, a friend or a sponsee - leave our lives, for whatever reason, in recovery, it can be hard. Friends whom I’ve confided in are the lifeblood of recovery but sometimes these deep friendships end or fade away which can be traumatic and often upsetting. In my journey in recovery, relationships that I thought would stand the test of time, ended. Some unexpectedly, without warning and it can be unsettling, even annoying, especially if I don’t fully understand why. But end they did.  I’ve ended some friendships, and sponsorships. Sometimes I later regretted my actions. Sometimes not. People pass on in recovery. AA is a Fellowship of people from all different walks of life, backgrounds and we all have different pasts. We can’t choose those that will stay with us for ever and we sometimes choose those friendships that don’t last. Regret and a lifetime’s learning is part of staying sober. Strangely, I’ve maintained long-term friendships with people I never expected to be friends with - good, honest, deep friendships – while other friendships have faded and disappeared. It’s a lottery of life’s experiences. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. And that’s how I see life and friendships in recovery. I never know when I walk into a meeting, if I’m going to walk out with a friend for life or a couple of random telephone numbers. Only time will tell. 
Twenty years ago, someone from the Fellowship arrived on my doorstep. Who knew then, all these years later, we’d still be sponsor and sponsee. In recovery, we’re advised to be careful what we wish for. Be careful what we pray for. Just be careful what we want in life. In Step Three I made a decision. In that decision was a commitment to reverse the tide of my wants, the tide of my needs and wishes. It was a simple decision taken by a strong willed, driven person. We like to be in control - but if I follow the Step Three prayer, I ask that I be relieved of the bondage of self.  In doing so, I’m left with a life I should not try and manipulate.

Expectations in recovery can be as dangerous as resentments. They put wants above needs, yearning above sobriety, greed above recovery. If I lower my expectations and raise my humility, if I lower my ego and raise my gratitude, if I lower my self-will and raise acceptance - then all will be ok. So, what exactly should I pray for?  And why should I be careful what I pray for? Simple really, “Praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.” (BB p.59), says it all.

BILL THE SHIRT, Bristol