Finding My Higher Power

THROUGHOUT my drinking career I tried many forms of spirituality and self-help. None of them worked. Thanks to the help of a very patient sponsor and many wonderful friends in the Fellowship, I now understand that one of the reasons for this is that I never really let go and put my trust in anything other than myself. I knew that on my own, under my own power, I could not stop drinking, could not manage my own life effectively. But still I kept clinging onto this, “I know best” attitude, that ego and arrogance which kept holding me back.

I am an atheist. I was when I was drinking and I still am now. So, the phrase, “Let go and let God” seemed alien, ridiculous, unfathomable. Then someone explained to me that God can be of my understanding. It can be whatever helps me and works for me. It can be an acronym for Good Orderly Direction - try to follow that, do the next right thing, and that is God’s will. A Higher Power doesn’t have to be what any one religion, creed or ethos states it is - it just has to be anything at all which is bigger than me. Something outside of myself. Clearly, as I accepted, I was unable to do anything about my drinking myself. Thus, I needed to put my faith in something else.

When I saw how well this clearly was working for other people in the Programme, I knew I had to put aside my own ego and trust in something else for once. It wasn’t easy, and sometimes to this day I still slip back into thinking I know it all. But that’s okay - I’m only human. I’m never going to be perfect and never going to be cured. I am and always will be a work-in-progress. But at least now I have the willingness to learn, to listen to advice and actually follow it, to place my trust in this outer, intangible force. I still don’t believe in what other religions have set down as their god or deity, although I can understand why others do. And if that helps them or is their own helping-hand in this journey, that is good. As long as it helps them, it is not for me to judge, regardless of my own personal views.

Either way, I now know that my Higher Power helps and strengthens me. I don’t know what that Higher Power is or how it works but then I don’t need to. I don’t fully understand the intricacies of how gravitational forces work either but I know that if I step off a cliff I shall plummet to my death. For me, my Higher Power and the work it does for me is the same - I don’t need to understand it or comprehend how it works - as long as I place my trust in it and keep the willingness to try and learn, it just does and that’s all that matters. I am so grateful to the AA Programme and everyone in it for helping me to learn how to trust. My life truly is infinitely better as a result. Thank you.

ROBBIE H, Northampton