I ALWAYS thought that the more I could control the world the more I would be living my best life.
I work as a teacher and so organising people and circumstances was not only part of my personal life but my job too. I thought that this was a good thing! That the ordering would create the perfect world for me but by doing this I wasn't taking into account what others wanted and not asking whether my intentions best served myself or others. When my expectations of others and what they should be doing didn't live up to what I wanted then drink was the only answer - to descend into my own thoughts and world where I couldn't be wrong or questioned and could be free to wallow in my own negativity and resentments in the safety and security of my own self-imposed isolation.
After a 20-year drinking career I finally found my way into a rehab clinic via visits to psychiatrists, hypnotherapists and finally a crisis team to be sectioned. It took me around a month to realise how by giving myself to a Higher Power, a freedom was realised in me and a pressure lifted. I no longer had to make all the decisions and I didn't need to have all the answers. Even the thought of not drinking again was unfathomable to me and yet I have been sober for 16 months now. For me that's a miracle - one day at a time I can now hand over my control to the world and my Higher Power. This has given me a sense of calm and all I need to do is check my attitudes and intentions, stay close to AA and don't pick up that first drink!