Plug In & Switch On

My name is F and I am most definitely a bog-standard alcoholic, nothing that special or different about me now.  I have been doing the first two Steps with a couple of sponsees recently and I absolutely love them.  I put myself into a treatment centre to learn how to drink like a lady but that was never to be. Whilst I was there the Director of the centre told me that I was self-will run riot, and naturally I was incensed - if I had any self-will, I wouldn’t be there! Yes, I had will-power, I could do this for you and I could do that for them - I was simply unable to stop (or rather, limit) my drinking for myself. I knew that if I didn’t drink, I was unhappy but okay and if I drank, I would drink to oblivion, I couldn’t seem to get the balance of feeling the effect but not passing out.

My way of working to stay sober worked for about four months and then the inevitable happened and I picked up a drink.  I thought it was because of the venue of the meetings I had chosen to attend, where I felt at risk of meeting folk from work in another part of the building. I changed the venue and somehow, I knew that I had to do something differently now, so maybe some of the words I didn’t really hear at those early meetings had seeped into my head. I had problems with Step One as I knew that I was powerless over alcohol and when I started to drink at 8pm I always found myself drinking to oblivion. However, I argued that my life was not unmanageable and it took me time to see that I had been on the verge of everything totally falling apart - oh, the beauty of 20/20 hind-sight! Step Two and restore us to sanity - I had trouble with that word! I had been told that I had a three-fold illness and I didn’t understand then as I do now. What I heard was that the treatment centre must be registered with the council and would be classed as a mental institution. That was such a blow to my pride - here I was nicely brought up, trying to sort out this issue in a discreet manner, only to realise that I was thought to be insane - again, the beauty of hind- sight.

I knew there was something out there, I felt it once as a child.  I was brought up in a family with a religion but never believed that I was ever “a miserable sinner”. I practised another philosophy for ten years and that was a bit better. The issue I have with organised religions is that I equate them with the attitude of “follow us, we’re the best”. Also, to be evangelical turns me right off and revolts me, which is why the AA way of finding a Higher Power of my own understanding suits me much better. This is only my opinion; everyone has to find their own Power greater than themselves. When I changed my meeting venue I experimented with a ‘God on a fluffy cloud’ and that didn’t work. As a result of an issue at work two people were gunning for me and I was told to pray for them.  On further questioning I was told to pray for them twice a day for two weeks and for them to be happy and have everything they wanted. Enough, I couldn’t do that! Through gritted teeth to whatever, twice a day, I managed to say “God, please take care of them as you see fit”. I believe it was to change my attitude to them, it didn’t! What it did do was it worked - one person went on long-term sick, the other took early retirement - success!  It also gave me the encouragement to use prayer again and for that I am eternally grateful.

I love the Step Three prayer and see myself as a tool to be used wherever I can be of help to someone whilst knowing what I am responsible for, and for knowing what is not inside my hula- hoop.  I have had to develop boundaries, and I liken it to being like a hoover as I can only go as far as the flex will allow.  First, I had to realise I had a flex and that there was a plug at the end of the flex. Not only did I have to plug in to the socket, I had to turn the switch on. I have had a couple of depressive periods in my recovery and, with that glorious hind-sight, I have been able to see that my plug may have been in the socket but I had not ensured that the switch was in the on position to allow the energy of my Higher Power, that I call the spiritual energy of the Universe, to flow into me and enable me to function as a sober human being. Step Three talks of electricity, that strange and silent power that allows us to become more independent and so it is with my connection to my Higher Power - I suffer when I’m not connected with it.  “Thy will, not mine, be done”, is how I try to live today and it’s a far cry from how I was when I joined the Fellowship. Today I am a very grateful, recovering alcoholic as a result of our Programme of recovery and thanks to each and every one of you wherever you are.

F, Battle Tuesday