I CAME into Alcoholics Anonymous in the summer of 2020, with one simple aim. I wanted to confirm that I was not an alcoholic. After all I was a 42-year-old woman, who had degrees and qualifications, a married mother of two young children who were well dressed, well fed, happy, fun and outgoing. We had a lovely home, great friends, nice holidays and we even wrote Christmas cards! On the face of it we were the perfect family. If this was the case, why was I so deeply unhappy. Why did I cry and hate myself so much that the only thing that could bring me any respite from my self-loathing was in a bottle? I couldn’t be an alcoholic. I didn’t sit on a park bench in dirty clothes drinking cans of cheap larger. I didn’t go out every night (Covid-19 aside of course!), dancing on tables and embarrassing myself. I hadn’t lost ‘everything’, in fact I didn’t think I had lost anything at all. Admittedly, I drank most evenings, then every evening; and why not? isn't that what every mother does specially in lockdown? Have you tried home-schooling young children whilst having your partner ‘working from home’ ie getting in the bloody way. Constant noise, mess, demands, requests, pleas, meals, cleaning, cooking, more meals, more cleaning. I deserved a drink, just pass the bottle and a straw, then leave me alone! All perfectly normal here!?? My husband saw, long before I did, that I had a problem, that my drinking was not normal. He is the kind of man who left a glass of wine half full when he had ‘had enough’. Really! Honestly!! Who the hell does that? He’s the mad one. I couldn’t leave a bottle half full even if it was my second!

Hindsight is a wonderful thing… and a complete pain in the ass! I’d had a problem with alcohol for years, way before I first thought about coming into AA. From an early age I saw that once I started, I couldn’t stop, or maybe I wouldn’t stop. Either way I was screwed. My husband hated me drinking, and even though I really, really tried, nothing could stop me from picking up the drink. So, I did the next best thing, I pretended, which is a nice way of trying to say I lied about it! I had started hiding bottles, decanting wine into water bottles, planning when I could ‘nip to the shop’. I spent most of the day longing for that first glass of cold, crisp wine, which of course I practically downed in one. When I felt that the only way that I could breathe was to take a drink, I knew I was about to drown. I spent all day holding my breath, slowly suffocating until that moment where I could open a bottle and breath. I was not a morning drinker. I did not drink at lunchtime. I did not drink a huge amount in comparison with others. But every day I knew I was getting closer and closer and closer to the edge.

Every day I hated myself a little more and every day the alcohol worked a little less. I did not know the depth of my pain, but I could feel it gaining power inside me, growing, threatening to overwhelm me. Eventually, I realised I couldn’t deal with this by will-power alone, I needed help from people who knew what I was going through. As supportive as friends and family can be, I now believe that only an alcoholic can understand another alcoholic. We speak the same language!

So, in July 2020 I found myself at my first AA meeting. As I heard the shares, as I listened, I desperately looked for the differences between those in the Rooms and myself. I wanted confirmation that I was not an alcoholic, that I might be able to manage my drinking in the future, that I didn’t have to join this group of desperate people. Annoyingly, I found that these crazies (as I loving call us) were the same as me. I had found my tribe. It took me months to be able to say the words “Hi, I'm V and I’m an alcoholic”. I think my first slight acceptance was something like “Hi, I’m V. I might be an alcoholic - but I don’t want to be!” Now, I can claim ‘rigorous honesty’. After I had finished fighting myself and by pushing away my pride, I accepted that I was an alcoholic. Now the obvious aim was to learn how to stop drinking. That was all. I just wanted to stop ‘wanting’ to drink. I’d find a sponsor, go to meetings, do the Steps and I’ll be free of my addiction. If I work hard enough, I might even be able to drink ‘normally’. Hooray, it was all looking up…

V

…THEN FINDING ME!

…I should have known better; life is never as simple as I’d hoped. Alcoholics Anonymous has offered me far more than I could imagine, or knew I needed. I just wanted to stop drinking. That would have been enough for me. But AA is teaching me more than I thought I needed to know. It has helped me begin to open my eyes to the brokenness in my soul. I am learning a new language. Honesty, feelings, acceptance, anger, shame, self-pity, self-care, pride, hope, self-loathing, jealousy, trust and more. Yet I am learning in a community of love and acceptance beyond my understanding. There is no judgement in AA. There are merely true friends. There is nothing that I would hold back from sharing with my fellow Alcoholics. We may all have come from different places, different rock-bottoms, different cultures, we are different ages, different ethnicity, different sexual orientation, different families, different socio-economic backgrounds - yet we see in each other our own addiction(s).

I am still at the very beginning of my journey and I have so much to learn. As I sit here today, I am confused, exhausted, and broken; to quote a well-known musician, “The more I find out the less I know.” But it is only in accepting my brokenness, feeling my pain and opening my soul to the sunlight of the Spirit and to my Higher Power, that I will begin to feel whole again. Whatever the reason we are all here in AA - whether its childhood dysfunction, abuse, trauma, helplessness, because we are made to be here, because we have nowhere else to go - beware, Alcoholics Anonymous will do far more than stop you drinking alcohol. It will shine a spotlight into the depths of your very soul (if you are brave enough to let it). It will encourage you to remove the protective layers that you have placed around yourself for so long. Layer by layer you will begin to find yourself. AA is a life-long quest not just a tick box of Twelve Steps.

I compare it to trying to find a treasure chest buried deep in my soul, over which there are layers of protection, hurt, pain, denial, survival, resentments, selfishness, pride, ego, trauma, confusion, hate, longing, and so much more. But layer by layer these are being ripped away, and yes, it hurts! The hope is to reveal the treasure chest in which I will find my pearl. I will uncover in my soul - my beautiful pearl which is pure, whole, bright, precious, unbreakable and as I find that pearl, I will know that I am reunited with my missing part. I will be complete, and will once again resemble the person I was created to be. When I hold that pearl, I will know that I am me, that I have found myself; that my spirit, my Higher Power and I have been reunited. So, my friends, be careful when you join AA and start the Twelve Step Programme!! It offers more than sobriety; it offers you yourself. As my sponsor puts it, “It’s time to put on your Big Girl (Boy) pants, and let’s go!” (although her version has more swear words!).