Dance Through Raindrops

MY name is Gary, and I am an alcoholic. The last drink I had was on Easter Bank Holiday Monday, April 2011. I am just over 10 years sober. I am 13 years 6 months into a 16-year minimum life sentence for murder, which was of course drink-related, as was a 10-year period of crime and violence from the age of 13 to 23, which was when I was incorporated for retribution and deterrence. When I got lifted, it was everyone else’s fault. I spent the first three and a half years of my sentence not really caring about anyone or anything. I didn’t even stop drinking, even after taking another man’s life. I continued drinking poisonous prison hooch. I carried on trying to fight the world even in prison. The last time I had a drink I assaulted another prisoner and found myself in the segregation unit. A cold, dark, lonely place indeed.

Something changed in me during that time, I realised that every single bit of pain, misery and hopelessness was directly related to my drinking. It was like I grew a conscience. I became so determined to sort myself out once and for all. I was in a situation of my own making, which I could not change. All I could change was myself. However, I still had many ups and downs to come. Still had many more lessons to learn. I had to take a look in that most frightening mirror. I didn’t realise it at the time, but I was sort of doing the Twelve Steps, but without knowing it. I believe my Higher Power was with me before I even knew it. I just had to find it, through a long, obvious journey.

In prison I attended AA meetings when I could, albeit sporadically. I enjoyed relating to others who were similar to me, although in truth I took no notice of the Steps and Traditions. I didn’t read any of the AA literature. I wrote to GSO and within a matter of two weeks I had a sponsor. The decision I made to write that day has been life-changing. I have learned so much from material and the correspondence with my sponsor. When I reflected not long ago, on my previous sobriety without having a sponsor, I see that actually I had been living as a dry-drunk. All the anger and resentment were still there. Actually, I was a ticking time bomb for relapse.

Only through being challenged by my sponsor have I been able to find inner peace. It’s been hard, I’ve had to preserve, I had to battle with myself. During the time of writing to my sponsor, I have always felt understood and no matter what I say, or how mad it may seem to me, I’m understood, we relate. For the first time in my life, I feel I have a true friend. Someone who gets me, someone who doesn’t want or expect anything of me other than honesty. Someone who only wants the best for me, no underhand tactics, manipulation, or ulterior motive, and because of that I feel freedom for the first time ever in my life.

To anyone who finds themselves locked in a cell, reach out - the help and support, strength and hope and experience are there for the taking. The question I had to ask myself is, “Is this the life for me?” If you want different then you have to ‘do’ different - by writing a short letter, that could literally open doors for you, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. Give it a go, what have you got to lose? Nothing to lose and all to gain.

So, as I start to approach the precipice of my sentence, externally it’s like ‘having to dance through raindrops’, internally I’m on the crest of a wave! They can lock the locks but they can’t stop the clocks. I used to think a couple of years ago that the prison has changed for the worst, now I know that’s not the case, prison will never change. However, what has happened is I’ve changed for the better. I realised my era of prison is over. My advice to anyone in prison who wants something different is to educate yourself about you. Volunteer and try new things.

H.O.P.E. - Helps Other People Every day. No matter where you are you can learn. Stay out of ‘prison politics’ and accept that ‘the house wins’, because the system is theirs. Get involved in the prison sponsorship service and feel the strength, hope and experience. That I have now got and am truly grateful for. Thank you. Peace to all. We will get there together, but only one day at a time.

GARY, HMP