Freedom From Fear
THE police surrounded the house just before 7am. I was three and a half months sober, attending meetings and with a draft of Step Four ready for the next meeting with my sponsor. The police seized my Step Four, questioned me at the station for eleven hours, then released me on strict bail conditions. The Crown Court judge sentenced me to 18 months, and so I went down. I had always just about got away with everything before. What had gone wrong now? Especially as I had a spiritual programme on my side. It wasn’t fair. Or was it? As I was handcuffed and led down to be stripped, searched and insulted, all I could think of was what I had heard at meetings - acceptance is the key. During the long days, I stripped down and searched what I had learned from AA members for what actually worked. Especially in really bad conditions. The rock-solid things I found were these.
First, on waking each day I reminded myself I had had enough of drink and drugs. Full stop. That was it. It was over. I had been given that moment of clarity. I kept it in front of me moment by moment. And I was prepared to go to any length. No matter what, including during this time in prison.
Second, about God, I found that I had left the debating society forever. There was a difference between good and bad, and I had been on the wrong side. I used to think I could keep one step ahead of God and consequences. Do enough good things like keep bringing the money in for my family, and it would balance out the bad things like the drink and the drugs. I was wrong. As the Big Book suggested, I had to ask God’s protection and care with complete abandon. Exercise periods, association times, and the shower blocks in a traditional 19th century UK prison reminded me that lack of power was my dilemma. The spiritual life was no longer a theory for me, I had to live it. I prayed a lot. My spot check inventory looked like this. I had the clothes I stood up in, mattress, sheet, blanket, extra newspapers to help keep warm. And bits of knotted stringy bits from a former occupant for swinging stuff to others out of the window. A priest had brought me a copy of an old Bible which I read a lot. Nothing else.
My thoughts turned to the Step Five I had done with my sponsor about a month before going down. Resentments, fears and harms done; those were the titles of the sheets. But now they weren’t just words on paper. I found facts and faced facts about myself, and my thinking changed forever. Prison is a good place for Steps Six and Seven. I thought I was an independent, self-employed, self-reliant man who ran his own life. What I faced up to for the first time, is that my shortcomings ran me. Fear, greed, selfishness to name just three were running the show. Not me. Worse still, I was the opposite of independent. I was totally dependent on people and things - women, sex, money, position in society, a desperate desire to look good in all circumstances. In case anyone got to see my fear underneath. I lived a life where I would rather have died than asked for help. It nearly killed me. I had had enough of fear. And I was willing to ask for God’s help. Someone greater than me said the truth shall make you free. I was released early on appeal. I had opportunity to make amends to my aged parents before their death - by showing up in their lives again, sane and in my right mind.
My first job came after two more years, not in top management with a grandiose CV, but by having the gift of humility to sign on at the local job centre and ask for help from a back-to-work counsellor. I began a series of jobs where for the first time I was right-sized and honest. Nothing to hide and nothing to fear. I was happier than I had ever been. And I met someone outside of AA who I’ve been happily married to for over 15 years. AA says no matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. I would rather not have gone down so far. But that’s what it took for this man to be set free from fear. And ask for help. God bless you all.
DOMINIC J, London