Fear-based

I FIRST went to AA on January 5th which meant that the sincerely written declaration to my husband (one of many over the years) that I would not drink this one bottle of wine we had left over until the end of January was worthless. I was actually shocked as I had been getting physically and mentally sicker over the last few years and I really thought that this New Year was the one where I would control my drinking and be able to drink socially and responsibly. A few months before that Christmas, one of my brothers has gone in to rehab and was introduced to AA. When he came out, he told me about the Fellowship and asked if I wanted some information as he knew I drank quite a lot.  I was quite taken aback and said no as I was planning to cut down next year and it would be no problem. However, I could not get the thought out of my head and I went online and looked up the AA website and when I answered the questions in the ‘Who Me’ leaflet questionnaire I was gobsmacked to have answered ‘yes’ to so many of them.  That was the first time my mind ever so slightly opened to the idea that I might have a serious drinking problem – that I might even be an alcoholic drinker.

\So, after my broken pledge, I rang AA with much trepidation and was put in touch with a lady member who was very helpful, told me a bit about herself and then asked if I wanted to go to a meeting with a female member.  I was horrified about this as I am socially anxious at the best of times so I politely said no and that I would make my own way there.  

I chose a meeting on the 5th January and walked down this pathway to the meeting and could see a small group of people talking together.  My heart was pounding but I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and when I got to the door I just asked if this was an AA meeting and was told it was and someone said to go grab a cuppa. I basically broke down through the whole of that meeting but I experienced a sense of kinship and fellowship that I had never felt with a group of people before.  I listened and identified with everyone’s share one way or another and it blew my mind.  I rushed off after the meeting as I was emotionally drained but I didn’t pick up a drink the next day or the next day and then went back to that meeting and the rest as they say is history – and I have quite a few years sobriety now – the most precious gift I could receive at Christmas or any day in the year. I was concerned in my early days about events like Christmas, New Year, birthdays, Easter etc as they were always events where there was no holds barred on my drinking.  

But at that first meeting I heard the concept ‘do not take one drink for oneself one day at a time’ and this was a revolutionary concept, as my mind was wandering off thinking of all the occasions throughout the year where drink was fundamental to the occasion, as well as my weekly normal intake and wondered how the heck I was going to manage without drink. I had not embarked on the recovery Programme yet but the power of the concept above plus going to as many meetings as I could kept me sober and I began to feel better physically and emotionally. This worked through the first couple of celebrations that passed as well as keeping me sober on a daily basis but I felt it was almost white-knuckle ride sobriety.  I was still fearful of drinking and I would avoid the booze aisles in the supermarket. My husband willingly agreed to having no drink in the house which was really helpful.  We were not ones for socialising but we avoided the few occasions that we went to that involved very heavy drinking for me. I also had begun to build up some great contacts with female members whose sobriety I really liked and I began to ring them when I was feeling a bit wobbly or something was really bothering me and I took my mobile with me everywhere so I knew I could contact someone at any time…

SHE, Wrexham

…THEN FEARLESS

… SO, after a few months I wanted to move from this fear-based sobriety to a fearless-based sobriety so I began to read about the recovery Programme and the Twelve Steps and was amazed to learn that this was a spiritual recovery Programme.  I had been a spiritual seeker or ‘junkie’ for many years, trying one spiritual fix after another and never found the right fit.  I was pretty gobsmacked to realise that AA was a spiritual Fellowship that welcomed those of any or no faith, so the atheist could sit happily alongside the person with religious beliefs or the person who just wanted to stop drinking (which I learnt was the only requirement for AA membership).  The universal acceptance of all people in the Fellowship was truly meaningful to me.   

As I worked through the first Steps, I came to the God concept and I adopted the concept of God being the Spirit of the Universe as described in the Big Book - I could not describe the exact nature of this guiding light but I had now miraculously been sober for several months. This was something I never imagined could happen - I didn’t question this Higher Power, I just believed in it.

I then read Dr Bob’s farewell speech before he died and part of the speech said, “Our Twelve Steps, when simmered down to the last, resolve themselves into the words “love” and “service”.”   The simplicity yet spiritual power of these words completely spoke to me and from that point on I saw love as being my Higher Power and whenever I got stuck with what to do, I would ask myself, “What would love do?”.

From this point I worked through the whole recovery Programme, kept going to meetings and kept ringing trusted friends for guidance when I got myself in a hole I couldn’t get out of.  I loved it when I first heard someone share the analogy about the hopeless alcoholic falling in a deep hole and friends and family could not help him out nor could a doctor, a psychiatrist or a religious person but then a recovered alcoholic came by and climbed into the hole and said to the shocked alcoholic, “It’s okay, I’ve been here before; I know the way out!”

And to finish I wanted to say that the whole foundation of AA of one alcoholic talking to another - started by Bill W. and Dr Bob all those year ago - has inspired this hopeless alcoholic and thousands and thousands of others and given us back our lives. So, with the festive season in mind may I wish everyone a peaceful and safe Christmas and New Year. With much love in Fellowship,

SHE, Wrexham