STEP ONE Is Not Just For The Beginning

I have been in AA since 28 February 1987, almost 34 years. The lists of Steps, Traditions, Promises, etc have always been of paramount importance to me. Although my disciplines are linguistics, sociology and psychology, all of which demand an ability to memorise, I have never been able to learn the AA lists. When I want to talk about any item on a list, I have to go back and read it again. I believe this is the work of my Higher Power who does not want me to learn the lists by rote and quote from them in a meaningless way as a mantra. Every time I return to a Step or a Tradition, I have to evaluate it and understand it again and that gives me the strength to follow it.

During my time in AA, I have contributed to SHARE many times, especially in the early and mid-2000s, but, recently, I have suffered from a total writer’s block which has prevented me putting finger to keyboard. Strangely, two heart attacks and total lockdown since February 2020 have released me from the block and here I am again. This month we are concerned with Step One: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable." At my first meeting, confused and embarrassed, I could accept this Step one hundred per cent, for everything in my life was falling to pieces because of my drinking and nothing worked anymore.  But I could not stop drinking. I listened carefully to all the shares and I was impressed, but I could not see how these meetings could help me. I thought I was a hopeless case. And then, the first miracle happened. I came back the next week, unbelieving and still without hope. And I kept coming back, one week drunk, but usually sober and I kept on drinking whenever I could. Eventually, the drinking stopped and, although there have been a few slips in the last 34 years I have rigidly attended meetings and stayed sober. I now have a weak kidney which, of course precludes drinking, but the main reason I do not drink is because of what I have learned in AA. Simply attending meetings and listening stopped me drinking I feel my Higher Power was there too.

I love active meetings full of empathy and genuine care for one another and, of course, COVID-19 has taken these away from us. I am afraid that, for me, the virtual meetings are not the same. Instead of those, I have returned to AA literature: of course, the Big Book is always there, but the two books which are my ‘guardian angels’ are Living Sober and Daily Reflections. On several occasions, the former has helped me with problems not connected with drinking because it is about living as well as being sober. It certainly keeps me sober and sane in these troubled times. I am eighty-four and, if I caught COVID-19, it would kill me. If I was near death, would I drink?  NO, because my drinking would add to the misery of the people who love me. I still cannot manage a life with alcohol in it and I know I never shall. Alcoholics Anonymous has been the biggest influence in my life and the people I have met in the meetings have been my best friends. Step One has always been there if alcohol has tempted me and, just as the first drink is the one that makes you drunk, Step One is the Step that keeps you sober.

It may sound crazy but, as an ex-academic, I find it useful, in addition to reading AA literature, to go into an empty room and give a lecture to an imaginary class, on why I should not drink. Online everything is virtual rather than real so why should I not have an invisible, virtual class? In fact, of course, I am lecturing to myself and reinforcing my confidence in not wanting to drink. It would be the first glass that would do the harm, for sure. If I drank a glass of whisky, I think I would want the bottle. But now, thanks to AA and the ever-presence of Step One, I am safe. I am waiting for the COVID-19 vaccine and very impatiently waiting for that first proper AA meeting when I can meet my friends again.

MAURICE. Cheltenham Spa