Powerlessness

Audio Version

Powerless? How could I be? I thought I knew it all. During 20 years of hopeless, useless, using and abusing of people, places and things, it never occurred to me all I had to do was not to pick up the first drink, one day at a time. I had to do it my way, never realising all this would result in was a kaleidoscopic head and then waking up to face the four hideous horsemen; Terror. Bewilderment. Frustration and Despair. Alcohol was my master.

This was my living and being for 20 years, before finally hitting rock bottom and being sick of being sick. Something or somebody had to change. I attended my first meeting at Northallerton in December 1992 and, by stepping through that door for the first time, walking through my fears, I came to realise I had finally admitted powerlessness. I had humbled myself. Suddenly, I came to understand I wasn't a bad person wanting to be made good, but a sick me wanting to be made well. It dawned on me that, rather than believing I knew it all, I actually knew nothing.

I had covered everything up in drink, now I could start to uncover the wrongs and begin to recover and discover. This concept excited me as much as being given the opportunity to experience the first promise. Admitting defeat commenced my journey on a Programme I know I must pursue. How does it work? Answer: through the Twelve Steps of AA as a whole.

Today, as I write, I am fast approaching 27 years of sobriety simply because I stopped doing it my way and finally admitted that I am powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable. There really is a solution, now I must continue to learn how it works.

JEREMY, Reeth