The Life Raft

“We stood at the turning point.” (BB p.59)

MY name is Karen and I am an alcoholic. In my case, I crawled to the turning point. With two failed detoxes behind me, of which the latter brought me an inch away from serious injury or death I had to make a decision whether to live or to die. There were no other choices left. I became acutely aware that if I continued to drink that near-death experience in rehab would soon become a reality, but if I chose to live I was also aware that there was no quick fix, and that I would have a huge mountain to climb towards sobriety and to regain some semblance of the self that was the real me, for I had totally lost myself physically, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually. My inner candle was close to extinction and just one dying ember remained. I sat in my garden and carefully considered my two options. 

I had nine days of sobriety, not by choice, but by being under constant supervision following my collapse on the second day of a detox regime, which resulted in me passing out and falling down a flight of stairs and landing unconscious in the stairwell, narrowly missing smashing my head on the wall, and by some miracle avoiding any serious physical injury. My detox medication was immediately discontinued and I was left to cope with my own withdrawal from dependent drinking without medical assistance and with very little emotional or psychological support from the rehabilitation team. I felt imprisoned like a caged animal and remember pacing and dreaming of a world beyond the gate. To me, rehabilitation was just nine days of hell. I was in constant pain with my back and ribs, which had been affected by the fall. Day and night I lived in a state of constant hyper-acute agitation, unable to eat, wash, sleep or focus on anything in the rehab programme. I truly felt that if I remained in the rehabilitation unit, I would end up hospitalised or, in the worst-case scenario, dead. In a state of physical and mental exhaustion I discharged myself from my perception of jail. I left before I deteriorated further and arrived at a point of no return. On reflection, I must have been fighting to stay alive just by returning home.

Back to my garden and life or death decision. After due consideration I chose life. I chose to live as I had a strong feeling that this was not my time to leave the earth plain. I felt that I had more work to do in this lifetime, and that my life was not finished. At the exact moment of choice, a small brown butterfly rested on my hand and remained there until I moved my hand. The butterfly then chose to rest on my knee until I moved again and started to walk along the garden path. The butterfly followed me and encircled me many times as I walked, never leaving me until I entered the house. There is no doubt in my mind that my Higher Power made himself known to me that day in the form of a brown butterfly, and that he visited to confirm that he was with me and pleased that I had made the right decision.

Fifteen months have now passed and my life is very different today. I surrendered and allowed my Higher Power to become the conductor of my life, and I can honestly say that he is doing a much better job of it than I ever did, or could ever do. The moment I surrendered to a power greater than myself: - the brown butterfly, my Higher power who I now know as God, was a transformational moment in my life.
Following my decision and surrender, God immediately set about sending me help. Within one week I had an AA sponsor who agreed to start the Steps straight away. I had access to a local recovery service and a key worker who directed me in many aspects of recovery. I was given access to online meetings relating to relapse prevention, action and commitment therapy, mindfulness and recovery in the Steps. God had sent me a life-raft of people including spiritually inspired ones, especially a friend who I now call my ‘Spiritual Guru’ -   all willing to help. All I needed to do was to remain open, honest and willing, climb aboard the raft, accept the offers of help and put in actions.
My Higher Power has remained with me and never left my side. He has travelled the whole journey with me, and continues to guide and help me every single day. As I move along my new pathway sometimes God sends me lifeboats, usually in the form of people. He opens doors and shows me opportunities for growth or the resolution of practical amends.

My hope at the beginning changed to faith and is now cemented in belief. I know that, if I maintain my spiritual connection, work the Twelve Step Programme on a daily basis to the best of my ability, put in actions and always try to do the next right thing, I am on the right pathway for me. I can look forward to becoming the best that I can be and feel comfortable in my own shoes with elements of peace, joy and serenity in my life.

I will never be able to truly express the depth of gratitude I feel towards my Higher Power, sponsor, the Fellowship, spiritual guru and all those who have helped me on my journey. 

Thank you for my Life Raft. ‘It works if you work it, so work it, You’re worth it.’

KAREN, Isle of Wight