Willing To Trust

Audio Version 

When I was growing up in boundary less living, around daily using and drinking I got the impression I was supposed to find a substance I could use every day. No one ever told me drugs were bad or that habitual consumption of alcohol etc. could lead to one's life unravelling. But, I suppose that's not what brought me into AA. What brought me here is I could not stop or stay stopped. And it's not what made me an alcoholic. Many pals who I shared those days with, enjoying daily consumption when it was fun, who had some consequences even, stopped when the music did. I would psych myself up for weeks to stop, or something big would happen and I would have a serious injury or someone would die. It would take all my energy but I would manage to put the brakes on. Though each time it took longer to do so. Of course I would always go back, thinking that one month, three months or however long was enough to show I could do it.

Somehow I enjoyed the drama that being out of control created. I remember coming back from my first blackout, everyone was very angry at me, and scared for me and relieved I was ok. I was not apologetic for what I had caused, my bruises or the sick all over the house. I was delighted and fascinated that no matter what I couldn't remember anything of what they told me. I was amazed, I had never experienced time this way, wow! And that's how I felt about everything I did when wasted. By the end I had tried so hard to control my drinking that I wasn't able to turn my attention to anything in my life without trying to control it. I had obsessive compulsions and panic attacks. At one point I did a geographical, to my garden, thinking that if I never lived inside again I would feel safe. As it says in the book, I needed a High Power and sedatives at all times just in case I needed to sleep, I was terrified of sleep.

On January this year I split up with my partner of seven years and I knew that I had to stop drinking once and for all. That without them, cleaning up after me and looking out for me I couldn't get by as I had. I became more and more certain of this as the days past in those first few weeks without alcohol as my mood worsened and I was dangerously low. I would cry for five days and not be able to stop, then for three days and then eventually I got to being able to stop after a few hours. I was scared by how much crying there was, it made me sure though that I could not go back. During this time I had started to go to meetings, but I didn't very well understand what people were talking about. They told me to keep coming back, and I did because my life was falling apart and I had no idea what else to do. I had an injury, meaning I couldn't work, and I was getting served notice on my house. But I believed that it was true that you don't pick between having a Programme and no Programme you pick between a Programme you choose or an unconscious one. So I sat on an AA chair nearly every night.

I picked the first person willing to be my sponsor. I was too scared to be on my own with these dangerous feelings. I had no idea how talking or writing was going to help, but I was willing to try it. All the things they said at the meetings, people would say things that fitted into tiny holes I didn't know I had. I began to feel safe enough to look at the sick parts of me. I had had no idea how lonely I was till I started to allow myself to accept help and love and to trust. I decided to trust everyone however naive it felt. To take up any time anyone would give me, to be vulnerable, to admit I had nothing much to give and needed so much help. I gave over my life and became more and more vulnerable as I went through the first four Steps. I knew for sure that by this point I was not here on my own will. That it was the love and grace of the Fellowship and a Higher Power that looked out for me while I had no defense, not just from alcohol now but basically anything.

On the fifth Step everything I thought I knew turned upside down and I experienced peace. It was the most profound experience of my life. I found out who I really was. Some fears and anxieties I have had since a small child have been taken. And I'm so thankful. As I gave everything over, the gap of losing the fear was filled with peace and light and I knew that everyone deserved this feeling. And that love and peace can't grow in a heart of fear and resentment.

So today I am sober and glad and having done the Steps I keep on maintaining and straightening my links to the Fellowship and to my Higher Power. I love the principles and enjoy trying to put them into my daily life. I find that the more I do, the better my life becomes. I know now that everything is going to be alright and that everything around me is inviting me to grow and that that goes on forever. 

Rose