Ignoring the Evidence

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THERE are two books to which I am indebted. The 'Alcoholics Anonymous' Big Book, which saved my life. Also, my English dictionary - which helped to explain the Big Book.

I always thought I'd mastered the English language. I excelled in English at school and became a professional writer. I was trained by some of the best people, who studied English at public schools and universities. 

My grasp of English was so good, it took me 18 months to realise the phrase: 'Don't drink today' meant - 'Don't drink today'. Such was my delusional state of mind, I thought it meant 'don't drink if your wife is watching'. Or 'don't drink if your boss is around.' "If you don't pick up the first drink, you can't get drunk", was an insult to my superior intelligence. I thought the last drink was the problem, not the first.

What helped to save me was the word 'willingness', and the phrase 'keep coming back'. I kept coming back to AA meetings often enough for the compulsion to drink to leave. I took a week off work to sit quietly to read the Big Book from cover to cover. It changed my life.

I got a sponsor and went through it all again. Then, I realised I needed to consult a dictionary. Some of the simple, everyday words in the Big Book intrigued me - 'balked' and 'delusion'. I thought 'balking' was a hesitation - not a refusal. I also thought 'delusion' was merely another word for 'denial'. I learned that 'denial' was, in effect, arguing that 'black was white'. Delusion was arguing that black was white - despite evidence to the contrary. That explained everything - I was ignoring the evidence. I'd been thinking my drinking wasn't that bad - despite losing my marriage, driving licence, friends and almost a lifetime's work. I'd lost my sanity too. 

It's not like that today, thanks to AA. I'm glad I picked up the Big Book and the dictionary - far more beneficial than picking up a drink.

JEFF B, Warwickshire