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Would Injure Them Or Others

In 1973 I attempted to murder my then wife (the mother of my two daughters) with a loaded sawn-off shotgun and was sentenced to seven years in prison. Whilst I was in prison my wife divorced me and moved away from the area where we had lived and took our two daughters with her. I was released from prison in 1977 and started attending AA meetings but failed to grasp and develop a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty and picked up the first drink again a year later. Three years later I took my last drink and was then entirely ready to want what AA really has to offer.

The names on my Step Eight had resulted from the left column on my Step Four which was lengthy. My former wife and our two daughters’ names were, of course, included on my list. It was not until I was twelve years sober that I decided to approach these particular 'delicate' amends and with guidance from my sponsor we looked at them and decided to first try to locate my two daughters. Not knowing where they had moved to, I contacted a Family Tracing Service and asked if they could help. They agreed to do so and requested copies of my daughters’ birth certificates which I was able to obtain from the Registry Office where their births had been registered. Several months passed before I heard back from the Family Tracing Service and their reply was a letter informing me that they had completed their inquiries and had contacted my daughters who did not want to have contact with me. I relayed the contents of the letter to my sponsor who told me to bring it with me when I visited him that coming weekend.

When I arrived at my sponsor’s he read the letter and told me that he had been giving the matter a great deal of thought since my phone call. He told me that, on reflection, there was a great deal of detail that we had overlooked and which, therefore, we had not considered. We had not taken into account the fact that my two daughters were very young when I had attempted to murder their mum. We had not taken into account the fact that they had moved away with their mum and might still live with her or near to where she lives and we had not taken into account that they are likely to be in contact with their mum. We had not considered that when they received letters from the Family Tracing Service, they would probably contact their mum and inform her that their dad was trying to trace them. Such news could fill their mum with fear and apprehension and cause her stomach to churn over. She wasn't to know that I was no longer the insane alcoholic who tried to murder her twenty years ago and she had no way of knowing that I wasn't just using my daughters to find her to finish her off!

It was these revelations that brought me face to face with the enormity of what I had done in 1973 and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Step Nine says, "…except when to do so would injure them or others.". Today, I understand that to mean mental, emotional or physical harm. Those three amends remain on my Step Eight list but my experience is that the best amends can sometimes be not to make amends but to remain willing to do so should the right circumstances occur.

ANONYMOUS