Don't Delay

“HAVE you completed the dreaded Step Four yet?”, Fellows would ask me in meetings. For me there was nothing to dread, it was merely a necessary step towards long-term sobriety and what I know now to be the unwrapping of another layer of the present - to discover the true gift of a happy, joyous and free recovery.

I started writing down all the issues I had with people, the majority of whom annoyed me often and made me angry. ‘Resentments’ was a word with which I was unfamiliar but I learned that this was repeating a situation over and over while expecting a different outcome. My list of resentments was long and seemed to cover every single person I’d ever had contact with, especially those closest to me. The Big Book says that, ‘Resentment is the “number one” offender.’ (BB p.64) so I needed to be honest, fearless and thorough to make certain I had covered them all. I have witnessed Fellows going back out to drink because of resentments, old and new, not dealt with. Then a list of my sexual conduct, writing down many situations when I was under the influence, where my moral compass was jeopardised. A list of fears, usually unprecedented but fed from my ego of self-righteousness, followed by not feeling enough, with the doom and gloom of every situation always turning out wrong - emphasising my soul-sickness. And, finally, a list of harms where my conduct had hurt others. 

Then I began to look at my part, with my sponsor’s guidance; where had I been selfish, dishonest, frightened? My sponsor gave me a deadline of three weeks to ensure I had adequate time to get my lists down on paper but not enough time to procrastinate. I was content to do this work, despite being emotional as I replayed all the experiences and negative emotions, but writing was and still is very cathartic for me. It helps shift my thought patterns and dilutes the power of negative thoughts. 

Seeing situations in black and white can sometimes make me laugh at my mind’s storytelling and distorted thinking. I put in the necessary action and moved on to reading all that was on my lists to my trusted sponsor; I was willing and did not want to keep any stone unturned. I had committed to turning my life over to the care of God as I understand Him, and now I needed to have willingness, faith and trust in the process. The obsession to drink had left me and thus the mental and physical parts of my illness had been arrested but my soul-sickness was ever present. With Step Four, I had begun to treat my spiritual malady, which I never knew I suffered from… until I began the Twelve-Step Programme of Alcoholics Anonymous. My suggestion is don’t delay!

MICHELLE, Plymouth