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MY name is Matthew, and I am an alcoholic.  I had known for nearly 30 years before coming into the Fellowship that my drinking was not like anyone else’s I knew, and had even sought help via occupational and NHS counselling services.  I really wanted to stop the consequences that alcohol had on my life but never managed to control my drinking.  “There was always one more attempt – and one more failure”. (BB p.151).

Besides, I couldn’t possibly have been an alcoholic!  I wanted to cut down, and even managed periods of abstinence of many months, either because work in the Armed Forces or for a charity overseas demanded it, or by my own efforts - counselling and acupuncture.  As I have come to realise there is a big difference between abstinence and sobriety.

I went to my first AA meeting in May 2018.  Straight away I found myself among like-minded people from many backgrounds, heard stories so like my own, and shared laughter as well as tears.  However, I did not get sober.  I was only attending one meeting a week, arriving just before it had started and leaving as soon as it finished.  Life became worse, and two ‘yets’ happened – losing my driving licence and my job, directly because of drinking although I had lost several posts in the past because of my actions while still using alcohol.

What I had not done was join the Fellowship.  I had, “…struggled and prayed for individual recovery…”  (12&12 p.135) but not realised I needed to work, and work hard.  I started attending more meetings, arriving early and even though not in service officially helped by moving chairs and was the first to volunteer to wash up.  I often found that I gained as many nuggets of wisdom over the sink as I did during sharing.  I even explained to my groups that when I wrote things down in a little book that I was making note to help me, and that I wasn’t a journalist.  Such ego!

I also changed my relationship with God.  I have a strong belief, but hadn’t realised “This answer has to do with the quality of faith rather than its quantity.”.   I was” … as a greedy child makes an impossible list for Santa Claus.” (12&12 p.31) saying, ‘… “Grant me my wishes” instead of “Thy will be done.’” (12&12 p.32).  I remember well sitting some professional exams and praying that I’d pass.  If I’d listened to God, I would have heard Him telling me to do some work, not spend my study leave in the pub!

After a potential sponsor fell through I effectively self-sponsored through Steps One to Three.  I would not recommend this, but I was now unemployed (a great friend told me to be grateful to be out of work as I had more time for recovery) and so attended many meetings, read AA literature daily, and most importantly stayed in contact with other members of our Fellowship.  However, I was scared by Steps Four and Five, and this is where this piece is aimed.

I knew full well where my drinking had taken me over nearly 30 years of active alcoholism.  God did too.  However, I was full of fear about admitting this to anyone else.  I had constructed elaborate lies about the lost posts, broken relationships, and my loss of interest in life outside my own interests.  I didn’t feel I could bear to or needed to beat myself up any more about my failings – had I not lost what I hoped would be my job until retirement, my wife, contact with my stepson, my driving licence, my prized car, many of my friends, nearly my home, and most of all any sense of self-worth?

Then in a meeting I heard someone describe Step Four as a massive act of self-compassion.  I therefore endeavoured to start the inventory myself.  However, I couldn’t seem to get it down properly, so I asked a friend I could trust to explain it to me.  Part way through our discussion I had a blinding revelation and asked my friend to be my sponsor, he without hesitation agreed and we work together to this day.  As I knew all the things I had done and feelings I had, and had a format that worked for me to lay them out, it was now easy work to write it all down.  It flowed far better than any of my University essays!  Then came the day to do Step Five, and my sponsor at some effort and expense travelled to my home (where we could get peace and quiet) to listen. 

We set to.  My sponsor chuckled at some moments, said he’d had similar experiences at other times, and most importantly didn’t judge.  The feeling I had instead of fear and shame was one of great relief.  Someone with my illness, who thought like I did, had listened to all the things that had burdened me for many years and suggested ways to deal with them.  Steps Six to Eight were completed soon afterwards that day.  This may be a cliché, but as I walked up the big hill back to my home from dropping my sponsor at the bus stop, I felt lighter.

My message to anyone fearing Steps Four and Five is to cast aside that fear.  This is how I started to clear away the wreckage of my old life.  I wish I had done this earlier, and am certainly glad I got it done quickly.  I seem to recall my sponsor gave me two weeks to write Step Four, and I am grateful.  If I had dwelled any longer on my deeds and thoughts my sobriety would have remained precarious.  Some might say, “but was the Step done thoroughly?”  My answer is that if anything crops up from the past that I subsequently remember then I discuss it with my sponsor and deal appropriately, much as I go through the Step Ten process.

I will finish this piece with another quotation from The Big Book.  It expresses how I can now move on with life.  “Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted.  We can look the world in the eye.  We can be alone at perfect peace and ease.  Our fears fall from us.” (BB p.75).

May God bless you and keep you.

MATTHEW