The Man in the Mirror

The man who walked into his first meeting in July 2015, is not the man writing this article. That man died, when he fearlessly and thoroughly completed his Step Four, but I'll come to that in a moment. Let me tell you about that man that died. That man had worn the façade of normality for so long, he honestly didn't think he was an alcoholic when he snuck into his first meeting. How could he be an alcoholic? He'd never really lost anything due to his drinking, he still had a job, access to his two wonderful children, his car and a home. He'd never been arrested or been to rehab. All those things confirmed that he wasn't like the other people in that church hall on a Tuesday night. That man had a shock that night. He learned not only what alcoholism really was, but also that he was one. It wasn't about what he'd lost, it wasn't about the amount he drank. The fact that he'd never been unemployed, the fact he tried to so hard to show the world what a wonderful giving person he was, didn't stop the feelings of simultaneous dread and hope he felt during that night.

When he looked at Step Four he didn't see anything scary, after all he didn't hold a grudge, obviously people had wronged him, the whole world was against him, but he moved on and dealt with things as they cropped up, didn't he? Once he'd gotten a sponsor, showed he was willing to act upon the information received and taken the first Three Steps, his sponsor explained how to complete Step Four. "No problem" said he, "it will be easy." When he first claimed he had finished and handed his sponsor a single side of A4, he was sent away to really think, and to be completely honest. So, he went back in his mind and thought about his early childhood. He stood up and for possibly for the first time ever, REALLY looked in the mirror and what he saw shocked and upset him. So many minor slights, so many petty resentments, so many inappropriate sexual encounters started falling through the glass. With dread and horror about Step Four he finally started properly.

Nothing that was written was horrendously bad, in fact the majority of it was simply embarrassing. However, when he started looking at his character defects and truly got honest about the person he had become, the shock was terminal for that sad, lonely man, full of dishonesty and self-pity.

Once I had completed my Step Four, I was truly ready to complete Step Five. To rid myself of these old slights imagined or real. To admit my defects of character to myself, to my sponsor and more importantly to the God of my understanding. For to do so showed that I was humble, that I had truly admitted defeat, I was willing to accept outside help to improve my character and to do better in life. I recently explained to a sponsee what I've learned since my Step Four. For the 18 years of my drinking, and for longer when I think about the childhood things on my Step Four, I dealt with very little. I threw things into a cupboard and slammed the door. In later life it became harder and harder to close the door on all those things. All the things that "normal" people grow through, dealing with, were neatly avoided for most of my life. By completing Step Four and subsequently Step Five, I was able to finally accept my responsibility for my actions, to realise my failings and to ask my Higher Power to help me do better.

Now I no longer explode at the smallest slight, I no longer feel overwhelmed all the time, as I have cleaned out that cupboard, and daily I check to make sure nothing new is hiding in the shadows ready to start filling that cupboard again.

The man in the mirror died, but in doing so the promises of AA became a reality. It is the hardest and most rewarding piece of writing I have ever done and will ever do. It has freed me, given me serenity and made me eager to help the still suffering alcoholic.

Oh, and I no longer have any interest in alcohol.

JON