Fourth Step

 

My name is Jane and I am an alcoholic. It's such a relief to be able to admit that. I got to the point with my drinking where I couldn't live with it or without it. I hit rock bottom. That's when I went to my first AA meeting and I knew that I'd come home.

Doing Step Four was a huge relief. I was lucky in that I had an excellent sponsor who was there for me. I started with a blank piece of paper and wrote three headings as is suggested in the Big Book. Column one was, 'I'm resentful at', column two was, 'The cause' and column three was, 'Affects my'. My sponsor suggested that I start at the beginning so I went right back to when I was a child and started there. I wrote, 'Thy will, not mine, be done' on the top of each page and prayed to my Higher Power for the strength to be thorough and honest.

It felt as though the flood gates had opened. Resentment after resentment spilled out from me and I wrote and wrote and wrote, page after page after page. As I worked my way through my life I began to feel cleansed, as though a huge weight was being lifted. I kept in regular contact with my sponsor, continued to go to meetings and prayed to my Higher Power. It took me about three days to complete. I came to realise that I was driven by fear and there had been a time when alcohol gave me courage. It fuelled my every move and it worked for a bit, but then it turned against me. I also realised that everything had been about me, me, me and that I blamed others for everything. I had been dominated by the world and its people. I then looked at my part in all of this. By doing this I began to feel empowered. I continued to pray to my Higher Power, attend meetings and kept in regular contact with my sponsor. I wasn't alone anymore.

I am so grateful for everything in my life today. Step Four was an amazing experience and I would recommend it to anyone. It wasn't always easy, but I did it with the help of AA, my sponsor and my Higher Power. My sponsor suggested that I see her and do Step Five as soon as possible, which I did.

Thank you for listening. I now live in a rural community and am unable to get to an AA meeting, so I'd like to thank 'Share' and everyone who contributes for helping me out.

JANEY O, Wales