Back from the Gates of Death

Audio Version 

"They believe in themselves, and still more in the Power which pulls chronic alcoholics back from the gates of death." (BB p. xxvii)

Some parts of the Big Book always bring tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat. That sentence from "The Doctor's Opinion" is one. Tears don't always mean the same thing, though. They could, for example, be tears of gratitude, or tears of joy, or tears of sadness. The words of Dr. Silkworth could bring out tears for any of those reasons. First of all, he reminds me that I was trapped on the treadmill of drinking, was only ever getting worse, and was heading for more illness and an early grave. I was rescued by a Power greater than myself, working through a number of human agencies, including the members of AA, as soon as I admitted defeat and had the three essentials of recovery, "Willingness, honesty and open-mindedness" (BB p.568). First on my gratitude list must always be that, 'I am sober through the grace of God and the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous' (as a friend of mine from Ireland used to say!)

Secondly, there could be tears of joy. If I keep coming back, I soon get to see others coming in and starting to recover. It is amazing to see it happen and to hear it happen: I notice a change in the way people speak, "Quite often friends of the newcomer are aware of the difference long before he is himself." (BB p.567). It is a joy to see others getting well. It is also very humbling to notice how people new in recovery can be of help to me, several years down the line.

Thirdly, there could be tears of sadness. The other side of keeping coming back is that we also meet people who come for a time, or perhaps come in and out for a time, who sadly don't make it. Then I hear that so-and-so, who has shared the same AA room with me, has gone out again and died of this illness. I can think of several over the past few years. It reminds me that alcoholism is a fatal illness and that I cannot afford to be complacent. A drink is only an arm's length away and past days or years do not guarantee me sobriety today.

When I came to AA and they told me that alcoholism was an illness, I didn't really believe it. It seemed like a cop-out. I think it was because I still thought it was a matter of will-power: "The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker." (BB p.30) I have learnt, however, that I am not only powerless over alcohol but also powerless over my own faulty thinking. How often do I still try to 'sort myself out' using the very same head that is causing the problem in the first place! Sharing at meetings (speaking or listening), or with another alcoholic one-to-one for more private matters, often brings the help I need from a Higher Power. Thank God for AA! I say that because I choose to call my Higher Power "God". I let others choose their own conception. But I have to say that my own conception of God has changed for the better since my drinking days, and even since a few years ago in sobriety. The Big Book says of itself, "Well, that's exactly what this book is about. Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem" (BB p.45). The God of my understanding doesn't change, but my understanding does as life unfolds.

BARRY, HASTINGS AND ROTHER