Just for Today

I'm an alcoholic living in Fife, Scotland. I am gradually, day by day you might say, rebuilding my life and putting back in place the moral fibre, personal worth and external structure that alcohol dismantled so beautifully.

Alcohol nearly destroyed me. It did so with a patience and cunning that terrifies me. Like my final days of drinking, my alcoholism had become secretive (or so I thought!), devious and entirely destructive. It pushed me into a corner. There was no fight or flight available by that time, just the powerlessness over its draw and the inevitable unmanageability of my life. I recognise those words now! More of that later.

I couldn't look at myself in the mirror far less get anywhere near liking (forget loving for the moment) the ghost with the empty bloodshot eyes that looked back at me. Alcohol removed any semblance of rational thought. Some of the daily lies I had to believe with all my heart became discussions with myself along the lines of "I'm okay to drive" or "I look fine for work, actually cutting quite a dash today, big guy" or "Nobody will know. Suck that mint and some extra aftershave will do the trick". My brain was certainly not needed at this point in my internal dialogue. These examples joined "I won't drink again, not today anyway. I'll give myself a break" and "I promise you I have not touched a drop today!". Along with these lies, many others were on an endless repeat loop every day for years. My illness let me think it was okay, that I didn't have a problem. And on it went. If ever there was evidence of insanity it sits right here.

Alcoholism turned me into a verbally abusive, arrogant, untrustworthy maniac. The illness turned a good father into an emotionally absent bad one, a good employee into a liability, a good husband into an unwelcome monster and a good friend into an unlikeable stranger. I was convinced that everything I said was right and all my actions were honourable, so it was all fine in my head. Like every alcoholic's past there is a lot more to it in terms of the back story and wide-reaching damage in every aspect of my life.

The wonder of AA means you can walk into any meeting and not have to explain anything about what brought you there. I know how fundamental it is to recovery to look deep within yourself. Using the principles of the Twelve Steps as the blueprint for rebuilding, it can be done. The proof surrounds you in every room, at every meeting. It is in these rooms I get my strength and hope. I do reflect on the past, it would be wrong not to, but it is today that is important.

Right now, I'm at Step One. That's good enough for just now. It's a huge step to take for any alcoholic. Acceptance of my alcoholism took longer than it should. Some of the 'yets' I could have avoided were achieved in spectacular fashion but I know now we must be ready. I need to be at my own turning point, my own rock bottom. I just needed to accept the truth and be honest with myself. I did not waken up today terrified or frantically wondering where my first drink was coming from and when. I woke up from a proper restful sleep. I still have the day ahead with the pressures of work, family and finance but I can face these today because I am sober.

AA gives me the space to talk, or not, without fear of judgement. It's just the start for me but already I see things changing for the better. The physical improvement feels good. The mental improvement will take time. The spiritual improvement will be there for me when I am ready for the next step.

I don't have to worry about drinking tomorrow or the day after that. It is today that is important because I know I will not lift that first drink.

Anonymous

Fife