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I Need to Walk the Walk

I Need to Walk the Walk


Audio Version



I grew up with the mantra 'Procrastination is the thief of time' and boy did I procrastinate by expertly putting things off until the last minute or not doing them at all. Occasionally it would end up actually being a positive. If I had managed to get the concert tickets would I have gone anyway? If I had gone, would I have appreciated it or would I have just spent my time in the mental obsession, desperate for the interval and planning how many drinks I would manage to drink before the bell? More often than not, however, it had a negative impact on me or others because I had let them down or was ludicrously late.

I was selfish and self-centred to the core. Only interested in having the drink in front of me or obsessed with when I would get the next one. I could always justify the procrastination as well: I didn't want to go anyway; I wouldn't have been able to do the job so just as well I missed the deadline; they have loads of friends so don't really need me; it won't make any difference as long as I do it the next time; they will forgive me. For a time, I was forgiven but habitual procrastination had a wearing effect on me and everyone around me.

I was told when I came into AA that service was important to help maintain my spiritual wellbeing. I joined a group and became the greeter, cleared the cups, made the sandwiches and generally helped keep the doors open and provide a safe environment for anyone with a desire to stop drinking and stay stopped. As I began to listen, I learned that the people who had what I wanted - peace of mind, happiness and a sense of self-worth - tended to be in service at their intergroup and region in addition to their home group.

I now have a role in intergroup and on the National Convention Committee, but recently I have not been putting the work in. I have begun to miss meetings and not followed through with what I said I would do as well as putting things off until I only just meet the deadline. In short, I have been procrastinating. Speaking to people with longer sobriety than mine has made me consider my motivation for doing service. Is it to help the still-suffering alcoholic or am I being driven by my ego? Am I seeking recognition but been unwilling to put in the work? Do I have my priorities in the correct order? How spiritually well am I?

Since joining the Fellowship, I have learned that it is possible to change. It is possible to do things in a timely manner, do what I have said I will do, but that depends on maintenance of my spiritual well-being. If I am spiritually unwell through lack of action and lack of living the Programme, my old character defects and habits will creep back in. Now I have my emotions and conscience back I do care. I do feel guilty, ashamed, remorseful, regretful, unreliable. And if I feel like that, how far away am I from the return of self-pity. The 'what's the point anyway?' and ultimately the first drink?

So, what's the answer? Resign my positions? Eh, naw. Service is not the problem. I am. I have had a chat with my Higher Power to help me get off my backside and do what I should be doing. I am trying to change my priorities to show my gratitude to AA and live the Programme rather than just talking about it. Is it easy? Of course not, but from the outset I was asked if I was willing to go to any lengths to stay sober. It's time to make the changes in me I need to make. I need to walk the walk rather than just talking the talk.

Fiona

Partick Friday Lunchtime