The Dash

Ever looked at a gravestone or an obituary? You see the person’s name, their year of birth, a dash and their year of death. That dash contains their entire life. What is important for me is that my dash doesn’t contain any wasted time or regrets. Here’s how Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me to make sure I make the most of my life - not wasting the present, not regretting the past and not worrying about the future. Before coming to AA, my ego told me to fear and regret the past. It told me to see the present and fear the future through the lens of the past and like my drinking, this was a squirrel cage. It seems to me that the ego’s main reason for this perverse way of thinking was to stop me thinking of God - and it worked. When I was a practising alcoholic, I rarely thought about my Higher Power and when I did, I quickly dismissed it as mumbo-jumbo. So, what happened?That’s simple - booze took everything from me and was about to come back for me.  I was left with little choice - die or come to AA.  I chose Alcoholics Anonymous and it worked. At first, it simply kept me from drinking and gave me the chance to get my life back in some sort of order. I simply didn’t pick up the first drink and therefore didn’t get drunk.  However, as I practised the principles and worked the Steps in my life with the help of my sponsor, I began to see things differently. My mind was opened to the concept of a Higher Power and I came to believe and trust this power in my life. After I had made amends, I began to see my past as a valuable asset. God had always been present in my life and had protected me and those around me. At last, my regrets were removed.

Now I was free to see the present one moment at a time and I was no longer destined to repeat past mistakes. At the same time, my incessant worrying about the future disappeared. I came to realise that I only had the present so I had to make the most of this day, this moment. My sponsor gave me sound guidance, “Live a good life.” Time passed and I saw the benefits of my new life. I felt calm and my life had purpose, the churning stomach was gone.  Years later I read the words, ‘peace in my head and love in my heart’ and this perfectly describes the state I’m graced with most of the time. I spent most of my life rushing around saying I was packing as much into my life as I could. This continued after I came into the Fellowship; joining groups then leaving and joining other groups so I could fit in my work demands. Rushing to take part in service - probably before I was experienced enough - but those efforts were not wasted.

I learned the difference between activity and action. Action is when I have a goal in sight and take steps to achieve that aim. For example, I had the goal of settled sobriety; the state that I witnessed in some long-standing members.  With this goal I studied the Big Book, met my sponsor every week, went to retreats and spent time in service. Others would be better placed to comment on my progress but I feel I have achieved my goal.

Activity is what I used to do - rushing around, keeping busy with no sense of purpose or direction. I went to tons of meetings but didn’t share and couldn’t remember what was said. I don’t think this was a mistake in my early days but it had to become more focused. Otherwise, all this activity might fool me into thinking I was doing something about my alcoholism and my underlying character defects. I could be so busy in the Fellowship that I could miss the core message and get drunk.

My thanks to my friend and fellow group member Marc D who inspired these thoughts while we had a coffee one evening. What a journey. God working through the people in AA has given me a life free from regret and not a moment is wasted.

Anonymous