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Changed Days

Changed Days Audio Version It's Saturday morning in my house and all is quiet. 8.23am. I've just finished my prayers and meditation. I'm tired and I still have some worries but I'm up and sober. It's a long way from where I was just over six years ago. A neighbour has fired up his petrol hedge trimmer and the early morning silence is broken. A little thoughtless perhaps but I can live with that. Previously, I would have found the sound really aggravating for my tortured, hungover head and would have been halfway across the street to rage at my industrious but inconsiderate neighbour and thinking of ways to retaliate. What a waste of mental energy which would have just made me feel even more bitter and helpless. If a time machine had transported me forward six years from 2013 to now, this is how I may have thought when I opened my eyes this morning... "Where am I? I do not recognise this bed, this bedroom and the woman lying next to me is clearly not the mother of my children. When can I get a drink? What day is it? Where are my children? Whose house is this? What happened last night?" It's true. I would not recognise my life today as being my own. I live in a different flat with a new lady in my life and my two boys are having a weekend with their mum. I don't need or want a drink. I have a fair idea of what day it is and I know exactly what I did last night. The biggest change is that I am sober and can find peace, even in a turbulent world. For this I am very grateful. I rarely found peace in my adult life until I started on the AA Programme. I have seen some huge changes in my life. Some of it fast; some of it slow. I would have been around 45 when I first came to a meeting, although my drinking really got started in my 20s and continued at an ever-increasing rate, causing all sorts of problems at home, at work and in my head. I had no idea how selfish my behaviour was. I would lie about my drinking which was transparent to my partner. We had been together many years before she caught me in the corner of the kitchen one day, chugging a bottle of whisky by the neck. That was in 2001 and I still had another decade and more of serious drinking to navigate. I lied about my alcohol intake because I knew it was wrong and I felt bad about it. My partner felt she could not trust me. If I lied about drinking what else was I lying about? I was so stuck on drink that half way through a heavy schedule of chemotherapy I managed to get to the supermarket and secretly drink a bottle of wine. Hungover, I passed out the following morning when the IV line went in. Not a good mixer. My partner lost all respect for me and eventually, having patched me up after splitting my head open one drunken night at home, enough was enough. I had to go. I put a positive spin on this new situation. At least if I was somewhere else I wouldn't have to hide the bottles or be sneaky or be challenged anymore. Of course, I got worse. I drank fast and hard. My life became truly unmanageable. I was now living in the house of my recently deceased mother and was drinking myself into a stupor every day to avoid my life. Desperately unhappy, even I realised that this couldn't go on. I telephoned a treatment centre (Amy Winehouse's 'Rehab' was popular at the time) and figured if I took a week off work I could get straightened out and cured. The folks at the treatment centre were kind and patient with me. They said that I definitely had a problem and that it was going to get worse. They could help but it would be costly and I might not see my family for months. They also said that they thought I could do this 'on the outside' but there were things I must do and if that failed, I should come back and see them again. Tell my GP. Get a psychologist. Stop drinking. Go to AA. They may not have been in that order but certainly the last two were the most important. They told me that alcoholism was beyond the point of logic. If drinking is the problem, just to stop drinking would appear to be the simple answer but from experience I knew I could not stop, even when I wanted to and that was frightening. Remarkably, I did exactly as I was told. I knew I was as low as I could go. My GP didn't make a lot of difference although I suspect he appreciated me being honest. I got a lot of value from the psych but the best treatment was free. I stopped drinking and I was introduced to a local AA member. She took me to my first meeting, which for some reason was not on, so we sat outside and talked for an hour or so. I will always be grateful to her. She is sadly no longer with us, (sober to the end) but I have her AA books. The following night I went to a meeting in Palmerston Place, Edinburgh, alone. I was very raw and shaky, not knowing what to expect. Someone welcomed me with a cup of coffee and sat me down and I listened. I went back and I didn't drink between times. It was a Step meeting and a lot of it didn't make sense but I must have sat through the whole cycle of 12 Steps three times before I got a sponsor who was patient and kind with me. Challenging too, and we got results. We worked through my Step Four and I started to make amends where I could. The one I feared most was to the boys' mum, my long-term drinking partner from whom I was now separated. I expected her to be vicious but she said that she could see I really had changed. I completed the Steps and found my Higher Power, giving me strength and serenity. I love my home group. There is so much friendship and wisdom there. I visit other meetings when I can, wherever I am. I could always be more grateful and can't do enough for AA. Service is essential. My biggest challenge is to get over the burden of self. To see beyond myself and walk with my Higher Power, my understanding of which will evolve throughout my life. I just need to acknowledge that there are at least two things more powerful than me in my life. One is alcohol and the other is my Higher Power. It's an easy choice now to decide which one to follow. Thank you all for keeping me right. Matt Haddington Monday

Changed Days

Audio Version

 

 

It's Saturday morning in my house and all is quiet. 8.23am. I've just finished my prayers and meditation. I'm tired and I still have some worries but I'm up and sober. It's a long way from where I was just over six years ago.

 

 

 

 

A neighbour has fired up his petrol hedge trimmer and the early morning silence is broken. A little thoughtless perhaps but I can live with that. Previously, I would have found the sound really aggravating for my tortured, hungover head and would have been halfway across the street to rage at my industrious but inconsiderate neighbour and thinking of ways to retaliate. What a waste of mental energy which would have just made me feel even more bitter and helpless.

If a time machine had transported me forward six years from 2013 to now, this is how I may have thought when I opened my eyes this morning...

"Where am I? I do not recognise this bed, this bedroom and the woman lying next to me is clearly not the mother of my children. When can I get a drink? What day is it? Where are my children? Whose house is this? What happened last night?"

It's true. I would not recognise my life today as being my own. I live in a different flat with a new lady in my life and my two boys are having a weekend with their mum. I don't need or want a drink. I have a fair idea of what day it is and I know exactly what I did last night. The biggest change is that I am sober and can find peace, even in a turbulent world. For this I am very grateful. I rarely found peace in my adult life until I started on the AA Programme.

I have seen some huge changes in my life. Some of it fast; some of it slow. I would have been around 45 when I first came to a meeting, although my drinking really got started in my 20s and continued at an ever-increasing rate, causing all sorts of problems at home, at work and in my head. I had no idea how selfish my behaviour was. I would lie about my drinking which was transparent to my partner. We had been together many years before she caught me in the corner of the kitchen one day, chugging a bottle of whisky by the neck. That was in 2001 and I still had another decade and more of serious drinking to navigate. I lied about my alcohol intake because I knew it was wrong and I felt bad about it. My partner felt she could not trust me. If I lied about drinking what else was I lying about?

I was so stuck on drink that half way through a heavy schedule of chemotherapy I managed to get to the supermarket and secretly drink a bottle of wine. Hungover, I passed out the following morning when the IV line went in. Not a good mixer. My partner lost all respect for me and eventually, having patched me up after splitting my head open one drunken night at home, enough was enough. I had to go.

I put a positive spin on this new situation. At least if I was somewhere else I wouldn't have to hide the bottles or be sneaky or be challenged anymore. Of course, I got worse. I drank fast and hard. My life became truly unmanageable. I was now living in the house of my recently deceased mother and was drinking myself into a stupor every day to avoid my life. Desperately unhappy, even I realised that this couldn't go on. I telephoned a treatment centre (Amy Winehouse's 'Rehab' was popular at the time) and figured if I took a week off work I could get straightened out and cured.

The folks at the treatment centre were kind and patient with me. They said that I definitely had a problem and that it was going to get worse. They could help but it would be costly and I might not see my family for months. They also said that they thought I could do this 'on the outside' but there were things I must do and if that failed, I should come back and see them again. Tell my GP. Get a psychologist. Stop drinking. Go to AA.

They may not have been in that order but certainly the last two were the most important. They told me that alcoholism was beyond the point of logic. If drinking is the problem, just to stop drinking would appear to be the simple answer but from experience I knew I could not stop, even when I wanted to and that was frightening.

Remarkably, I did exactly as I was told. I knew I was as low as I could go. My GP didn't make a lot of difference although I suspect he appreciated me being honest. I got a lot of value from the psych but the best treatment was free.

I stopped drinking and I was introduced to a local AA member. She took me to my first meeting, which for some reason was not on, so we sat outside and talked for an hour or so. I will always be grateful to her. She is sadly no longer with us, (sober to the end) but I have her AA books. The following night I went to a meeting in Palmerston Place, Edinburgh, alone. I was very raw and shaky, not knowing what to expect. Someone welcomed me with a cup of coffee and sat me down and I listened. I went back and I didn't drink between times. It was a Step meeting and a lot of it didn't make sense but I must have sat through the whole cycle of 12 Steps three times before I got a sponsor who was patient and kind with me. Challenging too, and we got results.

We worked through my Step Four and I started to make amends where I could. The one I feared most was to the boys' mum, my long-term drinking partner from whom I was now separated. I expected her to be vicious but she said that she could see I really had changed. I completed the Steps and found my Higher Power, giving me strength and serenity.

I love my home group. There is so much friendship and wisdom there. I visit other meetings when I can, wherever I am. I could always be more grateful and can't do enough for AA. Service is essential. My biggest challenge is to get over the burden of self. To see beyond myself and walk with my Higher Power, my understanding of which will evolve throughout my life.

I just need to acknowledge that there are at least two things more powerful than me in my life. One is alcohol and the other is my Higher Power. It's an easy choice now to decide which one to follow. Thank you all for keeping me right.

Matt

Haddington Monday