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My name is Karen and I am a very grateful alcoholic.

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My name is Karen and I am a very grateful alcoholic. I walked into my first AA meeting in December 2019 and very nearly made a decision never to return. This, I now consider, would have been the biggest mistake of my entire life. On attending my first meeting I had no idea of the structure, format or procedures involved.  I was escorted into the room by a cheerful, caring member and was given a very warm welcome as a newcomer. The room was very small and was packed to the rafters and seats had to be rearranged in order that I could have a seat. I listened to the Preamble, the Twelve Steps and the Twelve Traditions and then I heard the secretary announce the chapter we would be reading from the Big Book that evening. I suddenly realised with horror that I was expected to read a page out loud in front of a group of strangers. My greatest fear was not in attending my first meeting, nor was it in admitting that I was an alcoholic ‘of sorts’, but the fear of reading out loud to strangers, as I have a pronounced stammer. 

My stammer started in childhood following a traumatic incident and, as most stammerers would agree, the most difficult times include stating one’s own name, reading out loud and using the telephone. I sat, awaiting my turn to read and I felt absolutely petrified. I could not focus on the reading and sat there, stomach churning, sweating and trembling. I thought that the worst that could happen in this meeting was having to admit that I was an alcoholic and I hadn’t even considered the possibility that I might be expected to openly share thus exposing my other vulnerabilities or frailties. On hearing a fellow member say “pass”, I suddenly realised that I could pass on the reading. This option led to another battle in my head. I felt that in reading I was leaving myself open to the judgement or even ridicule by others and by not reading I would be perceived as an outsider, unwilling to participate or engage. I chose to pass, being the less fearful option. 

Following the reading there was sharing time and most of the shares were directed at the newcomer in the room. Silence fell and I felt that there was an expectation or hope that I might share my story. I felt obliged to speak and commenced by saying, “My name is Karen, I dislike the term ‘alcoholic’ and therefore I am not going to use it. I am however a dependent drinker and currently undergoing detox therapy in rehab.” I remember gentle, kind faces and wry knowing smiles at my non-acceptance of the label “alcoholic”. Looking back, now with full acceptance of being an alcoholic, I can also smile. I gave a short synopsis of my history with alcohol and my new, fellow members seemed to be actively listening and showed a genuine interest. The meeting was then brought to a close with the Promises, Tradition Seven and the Serenity Prayer.

At the end of the meeting, I was told to keep coming back and given many telephone numbers. At that point I had no intention of returning and certainly would not have telephoned anyone for fear of being judged. Actually, I truly had no idea why women had given me their telephone numbers, but I kept them anyway. I did return to AA meetings. I returned to meet again and connect with warm, caring, friendly people, who spoke my language, delivered empathic understanding and who treated me as a person in my own right, and not one defined by alcoholism, stammering or any other character trait or emotional deformity. I was also delighted to find that not all AA meetings are Big Book meetings and found comfort in meetings with a reduced emphasis on reading out loud.

Firstly, I needed to accept that I was an alcoholic and secondly, I needed to feel accepted and comfortable within my new peer group of Alcoholics Anonymous. The latter was relatively easy and came quickly but my full acceptance of alcoholism, without reservation of any kind took nearly a year.

My experience as a person with a speech impediment in the Fellowship has changed, as I have grown and changed. I found the courage to explain my difficulty to others and to include the subject of stammering in shares, where appropriate. In small meetings I will offer to read and play my part - usually opting for the Preamble. I have had positive feedback from independent Fellows that they enjoy my reading as it gives them an opportunity to really listen and focus on every word. I have enjoyed past service positions as the ‘meet and greet person’ or the deliverer of birthday chips. Neither of these positions required formal reading. I have also experienced increased fluency. On one occasion, in my early days, I tried to read the Twelve Steps and I reached Step Seven. I was close to tears then something amazing happened, and I believe this to be that God took over, as I read the next four Steps with perfect fluency, tone and intonation. I felt that God was doing for me what I could not do for myself. I now recognise that neither my stammer, nor my alcoholism define me and that they both potentially developed from aberrant neurological pathways in my brain. I now enjoy sharing my experience, strength and hope to the best of my ability. I work my Programme of recovery, enjoy being and feeling a part of a wonderful Fellowship, and attempt to give back what I have been so freely given.
Had I not returned after my first meeting, I would not only have missed an opportunity to find sobriety and keep it, but I would have missed a fantastic Twelve-Step Programme which, if I work it, gives me back my true self. Gratitude must go to my sponsors, fellow members, my Higher Power and to all those who have helped me - and indeed are still helping me - to grow into the person I was originally meant to be.

KAREN, Isle of Wight